This blog has purported, for fifteen long months now, to cherish, honor and when necessary deconstruct, all the culture. But let’s not kid ourselves. What this blog has really been, is a fanboy’s loveletter to his favorite actors, artists and writers, and (somewhat incongruously), celebrity chefs.
The time has come at last to crown the ultimate, to name names, to decide who’s most enriched our culture, and who has generously leveraged their talent to make our miserable lives worth living.
The following four are, simply stated, the best of the best of the best:
Best Actor: Ron Jeremy. They call him the Warthog. That’s because he has a face made for radio. Nonetheless, he’s become a giant of the screen, and not just of that narrow genre you’re thinking of. Mr. Jeremy has all but pulled out of his former style of work, and thrust himself deeply, repeatedly, into a much wider range of cinematics. Behold:
Best Artist: Thomas Kinkade.This paint-smith has brought the American ideal to modern art, by embracing an unprecedented level of branding, commercialism and a bucolic paradigm so darling that one risks an attack of diabetes by staring too long. Lesser artists might regret the mass-marketing of their work; Mr. Kinkade suppresses any such feelings by rolling around naked on piles of money.
Best Writer: Dan Brown. What other author has ever been so adept at borrowing other people’s ideas, for the sake his loyal fans? That loyalty is, never doubt, a two-way street. Mr. Brown loves his fans so much that he will not make them wait. He sates their need by bringing unto them his work as quickly as possibly, by expanding those borrowed ideas into simple, non-complicated storylines, without wasting time on structured plotting or three-dimensional characterization.
Best TV Chef: Guy Fieri. Although the airwaves are jammed with celebrity chefs, Mr. Fieri has distinguished himself by demonstrating as little culinary drudgery as possible. Instead he sets out on the lonesome highway, like in the road movies of old, if the road movies of old starred one guy only who for some reason couldn’t find a sidekick. In so doing he brings us close, intimate views of grease-choked Fryolators throughout the land. Some might argue there’s no redeeming value in such work, but from Mr. Fieri’s partnership with Friday’s Restaurants, it’s clear that someone, at least, finds it valuable indeed.
These then, have been the best of the best of the best. We hope you’ve enjoyed them. We’ll likely repeat this feature annually, checking each year to see who might challenge these Titans’ crowns. We’ll probably do so each April, somewhere near the beginning of the month. Cheers!
